Way #11 Work It Through With Friends

Companies test-market new products. To know the value of your ideas, find friends to give you straight, honest feedback.




Some roads can be traveled alone, but the road of life should not be one of them.

None of us has a monopoly on truth; that's why we need to discuss our ideas with others. It's vital that we find real friends - people with whom we can discuss our plans, feelings, ambitions ... everything.

Friends are prime people to discuss with, because with friends we don't have to score points or win ego contests. A good friend will give us straight, honest feedback.

A friend won't just stand by when you are struggling; he will listen and discuss the pros and cons with you. The process of Talmudic learning is "give-and-take:" question, answer, question, answer. With each new question, the discussion delves deeper, revealing new layers of insight.



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PUT IDEAS INTO THE MARKET PLACE

When a company wants to see if a new product is worth manufacturing, they test-market it. The response of customers lets them know the potential profitability of the product.

If you want to know the value of an idea, you have to test-market it. Get together a "sample" group of people, and bounce your idea off them. Their feedback will let you know if you're on the right track.

Everyone makes mistakes. Don't assume your viewpoint is correct. Open your ideas up to others. Discuss it with someone you trust. It takes a good friend to make sure you've thought through your decisions. As the saying goes: "Don't travel ideas alone; go with a friend."



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PROMPT DISCUSSIONS

Though you may not know it, people are walking libraries. Everyone around you knows a lot of things you don't know, and has opinions that differ from yours about everyday issues.

The only way to access that information is to probe their minds. Prompt discussions; raise issues. Hundreds of people are out there just waiting to make you wiser.

Particularly when it comes to important decisions, discuss it with other people. Should I marry so-and-so? Should I accept this job offer? Should I move into this neighborhood? Don't be afraid to find out if you've made a mistake. Everyone has different insights. Amongst many people you'll find many solutions.

Whenever somebody tells you a piece of wisdom, don't just file it away in your memory bank of interesting nuggets. Probe! Get into a discussion about it!



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HAVE A LIST OF TOPICS READY

To make the most out of your discussions, have a list of important topics ready (either on paper, or mentally). At lunch, take a break from discussing the stock market and instead talk about concepts such as free will, or the purpose of life. At first, it may be difficult to get your friends into it, but once you do, they'll love you for it.

Aish HaTorah has developed the "Shmooze Kit" - an excellent tool for getting people to talk about deep, meaningful ideas. The "Shmooze Kit" contains provocative questions and traditional sources for 10 important topics, including love, anti-Semitism, gossip, and intermarriage.



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CHOOSE A FRIEND

Finding friends is too important to leave to chance. Yet, generally, that's exactly what we do. Most of our friends are the result of circumstances: neighbors, colleagues, roommates. But this is a mistake. A friend must be carefully chosen. Be pro-active and go out to choose a friend.

When shopping for a car, we decide in advance on a set of features we're looking for. We'd shop around for the best deal, and only then we'll make the investment. We should do no less when looking for a friend.

When you choose a friend, it should be for life. A good tennis partner, for instance, might not make such a good friend once your interest in tennis has waned. Rather, find friends whose lifetime goals you respect. Choose a friend with real values, someone who also wants truth. Ask yourself: "What will this friend be like 20 years from now?"

Friendships are built on loyalty. Choose a friend who is loyal. (And be a loyal friend, too!) Loyalty means that even though your paths diverge or your values change, you won't just dump each other - rather, you'll always do whatever you can to help. You pay with "trust" and in return you gain a friend. The better the friend, the more trust you'll have to pay!

Of course in the end it's worth it. Because true friends give us much more than simple companionship. A true friend gives us the chance to become the best we can possibly be.

Choose a friend to accomplish life goals with.



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DON'T ARGUE - DISCUSS!

Be provocative. Not for the sake of an argument, but for the sake of stimulating a good, intense discussion.

A discussion means: communicate. Don't proclaim, don't yell, don't state your position. Ask questions. Analyze together.

Become a connoisseur of discussions. Explore other people's ideas. Don't get discouraged when things get a little heated. With practice, you can learn to change every argument into a discussion.

"Discussion," as opposed to "argument," requires keeping your cool. If you want to convert an argument into a discussion, then lower your voice, and ask the other person: "What makes you say that? What are your reasons? Do you have evidence?"

To stay cool, remind yourself that other people feel as sincerely as you do about what they are saying. So listen carefully to the other viewpoint. Try to understand their position. Examine the evidence together. Be open to new ideas.

Consider the other person to be as important as you are. He has an opinion. There's a reason he thinks the way he does. There's method to their madness! Just as you don't automatically accept, don't automatically reject. Because though their point of view may be mistaken, it is a point of view, nonetheless, and must be respected.

Knowing how to carry on a fruitful discussion will help you make friends, deepen your existing relationships, and grow in wisdom.



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BE A JUDGE, NOT A LAWYER

The difference between a judge and lawyer is simple. A lawyer's job is to argue for the side that's paying his fee. A judge, meanwhile, remains objective so that he can weigh both sides and discover the truth.

People who get into arguments as "lawyers" are only interested in "winning" the discussion. They listen to the other person, but they don't hear what they are saying. They only hear what they want to hear.

Since you will rarely disagree with everything someone else has said, validate what you can before disagreeing. Say: "You've got a good point there, but what about...?"

Become the type of person who wants truth, who wants to "do the right thing."



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PURSUIT OF TRUTH

The most important subjects to deal with are concepts that color our basic life outlook: existence of God, suffering, the role of the Jewish People. In Judaism, the most important concept of all is understanding God's instructions by learning Torah. That's why the Jewish method for Torah study is in with a partner - called "chevrusah" in Hebrew. Working it out with a friend is an essential part of finding truth. If Torah is God's instructions, we'd better get it straight!

The Talmud relates a story about the great scholar Rebbe Yochanan and his study partner Reish Lakish. The two learned together for many years, until one day Reish Lakish got sick and died. Rebbe Yochanan was totally distraught over the loss. His students tried to comfort him, saying, "Don't worry, Rebbe. We'll find you a new study partner - the most brilliant man in town."

A few weeks later, Rebbe Yochanan was seen walking down the street, totally depressed. "Rebbe," his students asked. "What's the problem? We sent you a brilliant study partner. Why are you so sad?"

Rebbe Yochanan told them: "This man is indeed a scholar. In fact, he's so brilliant that he can come up with 24 ways to prove what I'm saying is correct. But when I studied with Reish Lakish, he brought me 24 proofs that what I was saying was wrong. And that's what I miss! The goal of study is not to just have someone agree with me. I want him to criticize, question, and prove to me that I'm wrong. That's what Torah study's about."



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DON'T BE AFRAID OF CRITICISM

Criticism is the most important aspect of having friends; it is also the most difficult thing to accept in life. Some people are so afraid to reveal their mistakes, that they'd rather be a recluse! The trick is to find friends who are sensitive enough to give positive feedback along with the criticism!

The Talmud goes so far as to say, "chavrusa o matusa" - a study partner or death. "Death" in this context means wasting time and opportunities. A study partner forces you to be real with yourself.

The Sefer Chassidim, a Jewish work from the Middle Ages, teaches: "If you are proved right, you accomplish little. But if you are proved wrong, you gain much - you learn the truth."

Just remember, criticism leads to growth. And growth is the excitement of life.



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COMMON RESOLUTIONS

A successful discussion is built around the maxim: "people of goodwill who reason together will reach a common conclusion."

Goodwill means:

-- I am willing to hear the other side.
-- I want to know the truth.
-- I'm willing to change, even if it's painful.

Instead of sticking to the facts, people often end up attacking each other. Whenever you notice that someone you're in a discussion with is getting insulting or antagonistic, stop and focus both of you on "good-will." Define your terms together. Bring the conversation into rational terms; this will eliminate fighting.

Here's one sure-fire way to diffuse the tension. Tell him: "Save me or join me."

Sincere people who reason together will always be able to reach a common conclusion. It isn't easy, but it's worthwhile.



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WHY IS "WORKING IT THROUGH WITH FRIENDS" AN INGREDIENT IN WISDOM?


We all make mistakes. If you don't put your ideas out into the marketplace - i.e. discuss them - you'll never discover your mistakes.


We should always discuss our ideas with another person because we're much more objective about others than we are about ourselves.


Close friends do more than just correct mistakes. It's a "think tank." It stimulates and expands your ideas.


If you want greatness, you need people to help you make it. You need teamwork.


If you find yourself at a philosophical loggerhead, tell your friend: "Either convince me or join me!"


A person is affected by his friends and his environment. If they want wisdom, you'll want wisdom. Be careful in picking your friends - they can have the greatest influence.

Published: Monday, January 10, 2000