Jealousy

What is jealousy?
Jealousy is being afraid or wary of losing affection or position to another person, of being replaced by a rival. It involves a complex mix of feelings, which may include:
• resentment
• envy
• suspicion
• fear
• grief
• loss of self-esteem
• love
• hate.
What is the difference between jealousy and envy?
Jealousy and envy are often confused with each other. Envy is aroused by wanting what someone else has. Jealousy involves a strong need to hold on tightly to what you already have and keeping other people from taking it away. Jealousy involves more anger, mistrust, and uncertainty about the truth than does envy.
How does jealousy develop?
Some experts believe that jealousy is rooted in childhood, with a child having to share his mother with a third person (such as a brother, sister, or father). These are the first feelings of jealousy. They are very painful for most children.
Jealousy in adulthood may be made more powerful by these early unresolved feelings. For example, a girl whose father prefers her sister may have trouble with jealousy of other women later in life. She may be jealous of her coworkers or her husband's coworkers, or even of her own daughters.
When a new baby is due, it is important to explain to the older child what is happening (provided the child is old enough to understand). Listen to him express his feelings about having to share his mother. Make sure his needs for special time with each parent are met. These actions may help give him confidence that he can handle jealous feelings, even though they are painful.
By contrast, the child who is left alone with these feelings, or expected to feel only delight with the new arrival in the family, may enter adulthood with strong unmanaged feelings of jealousy.

How does jealousy cause problems in adult life?
How much trouble an adult has with jealousy depends on a number of factors:
• how situations involving jealous feelings were handled in the past
• how faithful and loyal the person's partner is
• the level of the person's self-esteem and confidence.
Chronic jealous feelings can stem from low self-esteem and contribute to further lowering it. A vicious circle can be set up. For example, suspicion and mistrust may make the jealous person feel that he has to constantly guard his romantic partner to make sure she doesn't run off with someone else. The repeated questioning that may take place can further destroy the jealous person's self-esteem and undermine the relationship. Longing for security can cause the jealous person to be preoccupied and unable to pay attention to anything else.
When a new baby arrives, often the father will feel both jealousy and envy: jealousy over his wife's closeness with the infant and envy of her feminine capacities. He may regard these feelings as silly, even though they are normal and natural.
Before women entered the work force in such large numbers, they were often envious of their husbands' mobility outside the home and jealous of the women their husbands might meet at work. Being jealous of a spouse's coworkers is now common among men as well.
What can be done about recurrent jealous feelings?
• Work on building your self-esteem. Join a support group to help you feel valued by others. Involve yourself in projects to help others. Make sure you have more than one friend. Read self-help books or talk with a therapist about ways to increase your self-esteem.
• Take responsibility for your own jealous feelings by talking about them rather than acting them out. For example, say "I am feeling jealous," rather than questioning your partner repeatedly about his or her whereabouts.
• A third, neutral person can also help sort out what is causing your feelings. For example, a woman who is jealous of the relationship between two women friends can find help in talking with a therapist about her feelings. Help comes with the relief of discussing it and with understanding its roots in her own history. Jealousy is a complex feeling, and she can come to understand its component feelings in herself: resentment, fear of loss, longing, envy, anger, and love.
• Sometimes jealousy occurs because a romantic partner is unfaithful or because, in a social or work situation, two or more people are excluding a third person. The jealous person needs to recognize the reality of the situation and to confront it honestly and directly. The behavior of others may not change, but the jealous person may be able to emphasize other areas of life where he or she is being treated better. He or she may even need to leave a relationship.