Remember, You Are Raising Children, Not Flowers!

by Jack Canfield
As a child on the schoolyard playground, a common singsong phrase was often heard; “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never harm me”. Not true! Words have power. They can uplift or stifle. They can empower or diminish. And when words are strung together, they tell a story. For thousands of years, storytelling has been used to illustrate life strategies, teach social values, to entertain the young and old and open doors to new possibilities. Whether it’s the hieroglyphics found in ancient caves, or the picture book a mother shares with her child, our hearts feel words. Jack Canfield is a master storyteller. He has a soothing and resonant voice. He helps us make sense out of the confusion and chaos of these complex times. Imagine as you read these stories that he is inviting you to look at the importance of self esteem. The past is said and done, so warm and soothe your heart, reflect upon and reread over and over the stories that you will treasure and want to share. They restore the soul and gives us a positive sense of what life is really all about. These stories are a powerful reminder that the main ingredient in life is Love.
Introduction by Liz Sterling — Feature Editor
David, my next door neighbor has two young kids—five and seven. One day he was teaching his seven-year-old son Kelly how to push the gas-powered lawn mower around the yard. As he was teaching him how to turn the mower around at the end of the lawn, his wife Jan called to him to ask a question. As David turned to answer the question, Kelly pushed the lawn mower right through the flower bed at the edge of the lawn — leaving a two-foot wide path leveled to the ground!

When David turned back around and saw what had happened, he began to lose control. David had put a lot of time and effort into making those flower beds the envy of the neighborhood. As he began to raise his voice to his son, Jan walked quickly over to him, put her hand on his shoulder and said, “David, please remember...we’re raising children, not flowers!”

In times of stress it is important for us parents to remember what our priorities are. Our kids and their self-esteem are more important than any physical object they might break or destroy. The window pane shattered by a miss hit baseball, a lamp knocked over by a careless child, or a plate dropped in the kitchen are already broken. The flowers are already dead. We must remember not to add to the destruction by breaking a child’s spirit and deadening their sense of aliveness.

Words, especially when yelled in anger, can be very damaging to a child’s self-confidence. The child probably already feels bad enough just from seeing the consequences of their behavior. Our sons and daughters don’t need more guilt and self-doubt heaped upon their already wounded egos. If anything, they need to be reminded that we all make mistakes all through our life.

I was buying a sport coat a few weeks ago and the owner of the men's store and I were discussing parenting. He told me that while he and his wife and seven-year-old daughter were out at a restaurant for dinner, his daughter knocked over her water glass. After the water was cleaned up without any recriminating remarks from her parents, she looked up and said, “You know, I really want to thank you guys for not being like other parents. Most of my friends’ parents would have yelled at them and given them a lecture about paying more attention. Thanks for not doing that!”

Once, when I was having dinner with some friends, a similar incident happened. Their five-year-old son knocked over a glass of milk at the dinner table. When they immediately started in on him, I knocked my glass over, too. When I started to explain how I still knock things over even at the age of 48, the boy started to beam and the parents seemingly got the message and backed off. How easy it is to forget that we are all still learning.

I recently heard a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother which occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator, when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, “Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?”

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes his mother said, “You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up, and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel or a mop. What do you prefer? He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, “You know what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it.” The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew that he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. They are simply that - just experiments to see what happens. Even if the experiment “doesn’t work,” we usually learn something valuable from it.

Wouldn’t it be great if all parents would respond the same way Robert's mother responded to him? After all, why do we have that phrase, “Don’t cry over a little spilt milk.” It truly is no big deal. We need to remember that we’re raising capable, confident kids, not shiny linoleum floors.

One last story which illustrates the application of this attitude in an adult context was told by Paul Harvey on the radio several years back. A young woman motorist was driving home from work when she snagged her fender on the bumper of another car. She was in tears as she explained that it was a new car, only a few days from the showroom. How was she ever going to explain the damaged car to her husband?

The driver of the other car was sympathetic, but explained that they must note each others license numbers and registration numbers. As the young woman reached into a large brown envelope to retrieve the documents, a piece of paper fell out. In a heavy masculine scrawl were these words: “In case of an accident…remember, honey, it’s you I love, not the car!”

Let’s remember that our children’s spirits are more important than any material things. When we do, self-esteem and love…blossoms and grows more beautifully than any bed of flowers ever could.